Waiting for the gigantic flashing sign

So before Urbana I was all hyped up and excited to see how God would change me drastically, how it was to worship with thousands of people from multiple different countries, and for the things the speakers would say. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. When I arrived I was super excited to be in St. Louis, thinking to myself...a couple months has passed by very rapidly and Urbana was finally here! I was excited to take pictures and hangout with my friends, to worship God and to hopefully figure out where He wanted me to go.

Actually, I'm not going to lie, in a way I was pretty much telling God that Urbana was where he was going to show me where to go. This was probably the first distraction that I had created for myself. Waiting for the gigantic flashing sign saying: "You will be going here in your future" "This way" I hadn't figured out this stupidity of mine until the fourth day out of five. The first night session was good...actually truthfully the only part that pops into my head from that night is the opening dance and then worship. I could tell that something was a tad off, but I didn't know what. I tried blowing it off, thinking it was just me being tired and the next 4 days would be different. That night I had started praying the first of many prayers to get rid of this distraction, tiredness, or whatever it was. The next 3 days continued to be the same. It felt as if I was numb to everything that I was listening to. I was getting quiet frustrated that I didn't feel like I was getting anything out of this huge conference, so I continued to pray. On the third day (wed) we had free time. ( I didn't realize that we would be so busy every other day than this one.) I had plans to go to the arch, take some pictures of the city and random people. But after the morning session I had this urge not to go and do those things I had wanted to do. Instead I had gone to the global connexions(where all of the missionary booths were). When I started my plan was to go through every isle and get as much info as I could. Soon realized that wasn't going to be happening, so I picked out a specific area to go there and headed that way. On my way though a different booth caught my eye. The Red Zone. I ended up staying there for about 45 min. (This ended up being the only booth that actually has something I could do with them, photographer, videographer, etc.) At this point I was still waiting (impatiently I might add) for God to give me that flashing sign. When the 4th day came rolling around I was still feeling slightly numb, or whatever it was. But I did finally feel the little slap in the face, and finally realized that I may not figure out what I'm supposed to do for the rest of my life. That it is up to God when I find that out and I will find out when He wants me to and that might not be at Urbana. I did get to spend a little more time trying to process the things from the previous days, but every time I attempted, all I could think about was sleep. I was slightly feeling saddened that I didn't really feel pulled in any certain direction.

But on 5th day(new year's eve) The theme was geared more towards reaching campus. I had no longer felt that "numbness" I was quite excited and throughout the talks I was getting chills and butterflies in my stomach. I still don't really know if that was God's way of telling me that is where he wants me, or if it was just because that is where I am now, in school. That entire day was filled with chills beyond belief but now with this new feeling, I all of the sudden had something else to process.

Now being home, I am still processing all that had happened in St. Louis and I'm assuming will be for awhile. I am starting to see that I may not have gotten much from the speakers(as of right now) but have learned many things from the tiny experiences that had happened during this conference. I have found myself to be excited to read the books that I had bought and that had been given to me and to continue processing what God has showed me. I was wait for that ah ha moment at Urbana, and that didn't really happen. And I am fine with that now. God will show me in His own time, and in the mean time I will wait patiently as to the best of my ability. And kind of forgot about the "high" that usually follows retreats or anything of the sort, because that didn't happen this time. But I'm sure God has a reason for that. I am excited to see what God has in store for me and the multitude of people around me!